Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

File under excellent bookstore names.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Please vote for people who are attractive

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.