my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
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[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Couple goals
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.