my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
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Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
If you breakdance you buy dance.