my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
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I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*