My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
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DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please