My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
You Might Also Like
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.