My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
You Might Also Like
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one