My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
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I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.