My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.