Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Unmatched

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?