My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no