My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
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Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow