judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
for all #parents out there
Damn what did I do next
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles