my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today