my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.