my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”