my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
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The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
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One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”