Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor