Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.