Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

I love twitter

The Friday File.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

can’t talk my ride’s here

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.