Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

I’d … I’d rather not.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes