My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
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A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Icarus loved hot wings.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
he’s sick of your bullshit today
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Blocked: 1985
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.