Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

calling in to work dehydrated

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

I gave up going to work for lent.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food