Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

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medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

found this cool rock hiking today

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

ME (calling my horse with no name):