Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

Am getting real tired of your crap…

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.