what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
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i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
couldn’t resist
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
My life in a nutshell
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Social Media and Real life
Is your wife single?