Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.