Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE