Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Lmao 😁

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy