My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
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Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
For those that worship cheese..
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
They’re not wrong
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
The struggle is real
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”