Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.