My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
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I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
mood
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit