Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

Ovenable?

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁