Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Close call…

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

i prefer mine room temperature.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

Why does laundry happen to good people?

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

somewhere, in an alternate universe

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”