Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.