My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.