Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…