Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

😂😂😂

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*