Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar