Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.