Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Doggies just call it style.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT