My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
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“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.