My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️