My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
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What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.