My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
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[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
They grow up so quick
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.