My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
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I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same