My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Note to self: always read the final line
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.