Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.