My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.