Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe?
Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information.
Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Me: [in bathroom]
7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?
Me: Yeah pal
7: IT’S ME
Me: I know
7: YOUR SON
Me: Knew that too
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.