@Sanbel11

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

You Might Also Like

@steeve_again

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

@Reverend_Scott

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

@atanenhaus

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

@fro_vo

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

@Audenary

Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe?

Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information.

(Pause)

Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@serenehavoc

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: [in bathroom]

7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?

Me: Yeah pal

7: IT’S ME

Me: I know

7: YOUR SON

Me: Knew that too

@ThisOneSayz

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.