Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

How to properly lift a body

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

The three genders

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore