my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
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the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.