my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
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I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~