My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
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man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Just say no
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.