Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.