Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…

Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”

Baker: “What type do you want sir?”

Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?