My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya