My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I told my vodka about you.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.