Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

I don’t hate children, just yours.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention