Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank