Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

Kentucky names the shit out of places

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

Breaking news:

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

incredible book dedication

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

I believe the plural is “milves.”

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.