Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
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As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!