Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

Happy Caturday!

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.