Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

Creative Problem Solving

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

be careful

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

I know

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn