My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
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The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
My beach vacation Google searches
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.