My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
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My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
