My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
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2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
me and the Superbowl rn
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.