My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
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english majors be like furthermore
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
when a toddler tells a story
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”