My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
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Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
scares
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.