my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
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one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news