my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
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ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
💀🤣
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym
cashier: you’re at a bakery miss
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.