Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account