Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.