Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

i hate you platonically

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit