Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.