Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”