My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
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At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.